Moms birthday letter

I feel your presence around me
It's comforting to know you're here
You give me a sense of calmness
A sense of peace that I so need
That sense of a mothers love I rarely feel
Since you've been gone
How I miss your touch
Your kisses
Your hugs
Your voice
I miss those midnight phone calls on my birthday
Singing to me
The first to tell me happy birthday
You always made sure you were the first
You always took time out for me
No matter what you were doing
Or how busy you were
We talked all the time on the phone
Multiple times a day
I'd just show up at the house
And you'd get this big smile on your face
So happy to see us
So happy to see Jake
He was the light of your life
You'd do anything for us
How I wish you were here now
To help me through this tough time
But I know you're with me in spirit
And if you were here
I'd be with you and so would Jake
You wouldn't let him be taken from me

The sun comes out shining
It's gonna be another beautiful day
What to do with it
I don't know
It's the perfect temperature
A nice day to get out and play
But sleep is beckoning me
I haven't gotten much in the last couple of days
My body is tired
My eyes heavy
My heart saddened
Since my son left to go home with his Dad
I'm ready to have him here with me
I want to raise him like a mother should
I want to play with him
Watch him read his books
Help him with his homework
Do everything a mother should be doing with her kids
I miss him dearly
I lost him because of my own actions.

happy

The sun is shining
The breeze cool
It's finally warming up
I can sit outside and read
Feel the warmth on my cheeks
Let the dogs out to enjoy the sun
They jump up and cuddle with me
I feel happy and content
What is this feeling
I don't understand it
I've never felt this way before
At least for quite a few years
Is this how I'm supposed to feel

Tears

The tears fall down my cheeks
I've screwed up so much
Why do I deserve to be forgiven?
Why am I worthy?
Suicide is a sin right?
Why is it any different for me?
It's ok for me to be forgiven
But the other people don't?
God and Jesus want me to talk to them?
I don't deserve them
I'm not worthy
I'm going to hell for what I've done
I've made the ultimate mistakes
No one has done worse then me.

darkness

The depression won't lift
the darkness overtakes
i want to curl up and sleep
wake up when it's over
when i can be happy
thoughts of death overwhelm me
my son keeps me alive
meds seem to stop working
i just want this depression to lift
i'm tired of being depressed
i'm tired of feeling like nothing
worthless, helpless, hopeless
someone help me get out of it

Moms

It's the holidays
My moms favorite ones
Thanksgiving and Christmas
The tree would go up right after Thanksgiving
A family even to decorate the tree
Before she died,
even my two year old helped decorate the tree
Now, I spend my holidays alone
Jake with Jim in Pennsylvania
Me, home, here, with no one
I've lost my family
Ever since she died
It's always been Jims family we go to
Not much for me
but fun for Jake and nice for Jim
Now we're divorced
They go
I stay home
No one to celebrate with
Just me alone with my depression
Missing my mom
and all her big celebrations

none

my home is gone
where i raised my child is gone
never to be entered into again
only to be driven by
reminsced about in conversations
we were going to stay in that house til college was over
but things change
divorce happened
foreclosure faced us
we were dumb to get that second mortgage
should have never done it
it ruined everything
strained us beyond belief
so now our home is gone
it wouldn't have been my home anymore anyway
i was kicked out
but my son could have stayed
either way
the house is gone now
it is to be grieved
another chapter closed

dazed

left dazed and confused
what to do
what to feel
how to do it
where to start
how do i do it
where do i begin
how do i set the boundaries
i don't want the anger
i don't want the hatred
i don't want the fighting
do i sacrifice my happiness
for yours
or do i set the boundaries
to make myself happy
and sacrifice a friendship
at the same time
what to do
so dazed and confused

Jake

You are the light of my life
My reason for living
You're beautiful eyes
The key to your soul
You're growing to be a young man
Smart and responsible
Strong and lien
Intelligent and sympathetic
Friendly and caring
Loving and empathetic
You are growing into a wonderful young man
Who will be amazing in your own way
You are the love of my life
My pride and joy
I am so proud of you
I always will be proud

broken hearted

you're moving on
i'm broken hearted
it's not with me
it's with someone else
i tried to show you
i could be the one you wanted
but it was too late for me
she's better for you anyway
she loves and respects you
the way you should be
you love and respect her
the way you should
and don't with me anymore
i betrayed you
she hasn't
she never will
she knows what it feels like to get hurt
i only learned that when you left
i wish you all the happiness life can offer you two
i wish you a lifetime of it

dreams

i have dreams
of meeting that man
that will make everything ok
accept me for who i am
and what i will be
and everything in between
love me for me
lift me up when i'm down
enjoy life together
enjoy the quiet times together
enjoy cuddling just to cuddle
enjoy our space apart
live life as one
be happy together
be happy with our lives
argue once in a while
but not stay mad because it's not worth it in the end
love life to the fullest
enjoy a night in
enjoy a night out
enjoy trips together
love taking drives just for the sake of taking a drive
get a motorcycle
enjoy my son
prioritize my son
love my son
i just want to be happy together forever
grow old together

none

depression deepens
heart wrenches
twisting inside
ringing inside
i can't get it to stop
no matter what i do
it just won't stop
no matter who i tell
no matter how much i write
it just won't stop
i see only one way out
no one cares
no one loves me
no one will miss me
what's it matter
i gather up the pills
i sit and stare at them
i open up the bottles
one by one i open them
there must be hundreds there
i open up my drink
i take the first bottle
down they go
i take the second bottle
down they go
i take the third bottle
down they go
the fourth bottle the same
i lay down on the couch
i wait for sleep
i wait for the sleep where i'll never wake up
but i do wake up
in the hospital
on a respirator
i'm in icu
on a warmer
i should have died
he saved my life again
why did he have to save my life again
why couldn't he have just let me go
why does he want me around
i'm not that important
it's the last time i tried
i began healing
i began understanding
i began to come to grips with my new life
of being someone who will always be sick
i started getting better
then i get slammed with a divorce

Moms

I feel your presence around me
It's comforting to know you're here
You give me a sense of calmness
A sense of peace that I so need
That sense of a mothers love I rarely feel
Since you've been gone
How I miss your touch
Your kisses
Your hugs
Your voice
I miss those midnight phone calls on my birthday
Singing to me
The first to tell me happy birthday
You always made sure you were the first
You always took time out for me
No matter what you were doing
Or how busy you were
We talked all the time on the phone
Multiple times a day
I'd just show up at the house
And you'd get this big smile on your face
So happy to see us
So happy to see Jake
He was the light of your life
You'd do anything for us
How I wish you were here now
To help me through this tough time
But I know you're with me in spirit
And if you were here
I'd be with you and so would Jake
You wouldn't let him be taken from me

my loss

my heart broken
torn to pieces
all in four words
i want a divorce
i thought things were fine
i never saw it coming
i was sideswiped
tears running down my face
my heart wrenching with pain
my marriage was over in the matter of seconds
the tears wouldn't stop for weeks
maybe even months
i begged for you back
i changed
stayed on my meds
turned myself around
i couldn't get you to see it
you didn't want to see it
you were done
you moved on
only to cause me more pain

life

The day you died
They say I snapped
I was no longer the person I was
I was lost without you
You were gone
Never to be seen again
I couldn't pick up the phone and call you
I couldn't drop by and see you
I don't even have a grave to go and visit
Your ashes spread in Hawaii
I was naive and let him have them all
You were grey and swollen
Tubes coming out everywhere
I had to let you go
You would have wanted that
I wouldn't want to live like that
I wouldn't let you live like that
You were on life support
No one knew if you were going to live or die
Most doctors said you were going to die
You were only living because you were on life support
It was time to let you go
I asked you,
You blinked
I did what you wanted
We let you go
I hope you are happy
I hope I did the right thing

untitled

The first time I looked in your eyes
I saw purity, innocence, love
Someone that needed me
Needed my care and love and compassion
You were completely reliant on me
Your mother
All you ever wanted was me
You wanted held and loved on
You loved watching things with lots of lights like Cops
Then you grew up and needed me less
But you still love me and cuddle with me
You still need me and still want to be around me
You make me proud
I'm proud to be called your Mom
I'm proud to call you my son
I had to fight to gain your trust back
After all the hell and pain I put you through
But I gained it back
and now you want me around
You make me proud in every way
I am proud to be your mom

pain

The pain inside is unbearable
Part of me wants to leave this pain
Part of me wants to stay and fight
It's twisting inside
Physical pain on the outside
Staying in bed all day
Sleeping the day away
I'm only up to make dinner and go to the bathroom
I barely shower
I have to be told to take care of myself
I have to be told what to do and when
They are getting tired of taking care of me
I don't blame them
I would be too
I'm tired of being me
I'm tired of the pain
I just want it to disappear
I need an outlet
Should I cut
watch the blood pour from my skin
It's so beautiful as it drips to the floor
The pain is temporarily gone
Ultimately it will come back
This is useless
How do I make it go away permanently?
Only one way out
Down the bottle of pills
No!!
Stop!!!
Fight!!!!!
You deserve to live
You deserve to love
Fight with everything you have
Eventually you'll win

outside

I'm outside looking through the glass
To see you playing with our son
I'm the outsider
I don't fit in
It's just the boys
You don't need me
He doesn't need me
Why don't I just disappear
No one will notice I'm gone
He needs me
He needs Mom
He doesn't show it
He hides it
But when you're not around
He cuddles with me and we talk and do things
We each have our time
But when you're around
I feel like the outsider
Where I should just go run and hide
And never return