life

The day you died
They say I snapped
I was no longer the person I was
I was lost without you
You were gone
Never to be seen again
I couldn't pick up the phone and call you
I couldn't drop by and see you
I don't even have a grave to go and visit
Your ashes spread in Hawaii
I was naive and let him have them all
You were grey and swollen
Tubes coming out everywhere
I had to let you go
You would have wanted that
I wouldn't want to live like that
I wouldn't let you live like that
You were on life support
No one knew if you were going to live or die
Most doctors said you were going to die
You were only living because you were on life support
It was time to let you go
I asked you,
You blinked
I did what you wanted
We let you go
I hope you are happy
I hope I did the right thing

untitled

The first time I looked in your eyes
I saw purity, innocence, love
Someone that needed me
Needed my care and love and compassion
You were completely reliant on me
Your mother
All you ever wanted was me
You wanted held and loved on
You loved watching things with lots of lights like Cops
Then you grew up and needed me less
But you still love me and cuddle with me
You still need me and still want to be around me
You make me proud
I'm proud to be called your Mom
I'm proud to call you my son
I had to fight to gain your trust back
After all the hell and pain I put you through
But I gained it back
and now you want me around
You make me proud in every way
I am proud to be your mom

pain

The pain inside is unbearable
Part of me wants to leave this pain
Part of me wants to stay and fight
It's twisting inside
Physical pain on the outside
Staying in bed all day
Sleeping the day away
I'm only up to make dinner and go to the bathroom
I barely shower
I have to be told to take care of myself
I have to be told what to do and when
They are getting tired of taking care of me
I don't blame them
I would be too
I'm tired of being me
I'm tired of the pain
I just want it to disappear
I need an outlet
Should I cut
watch the blood pour from my skin
It's so beautiful as it drips to the floor
The pain is temporarily gone
Ultimately it will come back
This is useless
How do I make it go away permanently?
Only one way out
Down the bottle of pills
No!!
Stop!!!
Fight!!!!!
You deserve to live
You deserve to love
Fight with everything you have
Eventually you'll win

outside

I'm outside looking through the glass
To see you playing with our son
I'm the outsider
I don't fit in
It's just the boys
You don't need me
He doesn't need me
Why don't I just disappear
No one will notice I'm gone
He needs me
He needs Mom
He doesn't show it
He hides it
But when you're not around
He cuddles with me and we talk and do things
We each have our time
But when you're around
I feel like the outsider
Where I should just go run and hide
And never return